I am in the midst of chaos. My generally helpful, happy little boy has turned into a 2 and a half year old monster. Don't get me wrong, I love him more than anything but boy can he be trying! Most days it seems like his ears are painted on, he is sometimes destructive and will bop you in the face randomly when you're talking to him. Something obviously has to change because our parenting methods are not working. I understand that he IS TWO, testing his boundaries, trying to be more independent and self sufficient so instead of squashing that, we ARE trying to encourage and foster it, but we won't tolerate being slapped in the face, physically and emotionally.
Last night I participated in a webinar through
Positive Parenting Solutions called 'Why Time Out is a Waste of Time'. It was free to sign up and easy to use, all I had to do was be logged in at 8pm. So why is time out a waste of time? Because it will generally turn into a power struggle. And power is something that the toddler, nor the parent wants to give up so it will usually end badly. And if it doesn't end badly and the child DOES sit in their naughty corner, chair or spot for the allotted time they aren't REALLY thinking of why they are there and how they could behave differently. Well, a 2 year old isn't anyway; they are thinking about how mean you are, wondering why they got in trouble for trying to do something themself or potentially plotting revenge. Time out usually does work in the short term but it isn't such a great long term discipline method, I can agree with that, as it has pretty much lost its effectiveness in our house.
She also touched on why counting '1,2,3' is a waste of time also -- it teaches children that a) you're not serious until you starting counting and b) they have three (or more, if you count in halves) chances to listen, rather than learning that they need to listen the first time.
So, what do you do instead? I'm not exactly sure... she talked about the REASONS kids misbehave more than what to do when they do, in the hope that you can avoid or diffuse misbehavior before it gets to the point where discipline is needed. Generally children misbehave because something more is needed or something is missing; they are attempting to find belonging and significance, their place in the family and gain some power for themselves (we're not the boss of them you know!) or they need more attention and will seek it by acting out because the negative attention they get is, after all, still attention.
One solution she did give, besides making sure that your children get lots of positive attention (they I am still trying to figure out why we get bopped in the face WHILE we are giving said positive attention, but I digress...), and ignoring negative attention seeking behaviors is to use the When, Then strategy. As an example, you would use this on an older child by saying 'when you have done the dishes, then you can have your TV time (or go to the mall, or whatever)'. And then not engage further in the conversation that will generally consist of all the reasons why they can't do the dishes, whining, and why you are so mean for asking them to help. Let me say that this will not work for every situation, it's not a magic solution, and she does have another 24 strategies (that I have to pay for unfortunately lol) but this can help with a lot of things.
For us, this means getting P to sit down so I can put his shoes on to go out or to stop screaming at me in the grocery store. P NEVER comes when I tell him it is breakfast or dinner time, not even if he IS actually hungry, he is too busy playing and just screams 'no!' And it is impossible to get him into bed. Today I have used when, then A LOT and it has helped tremendously.
This morning I asked him to get the cat from upstairs (this is one of his 'jobs', he lets the cat out in the morning) and he of course said no, as usual, 'no, I play play dough!'. 'P when you have gotten the cat, then mama will play play dough with you'. Instead of the usual 'if you don't go get the cat we can't...' or 'P I need you to go get the cat please'... And off he went! The cat came downstairs and everyone was happy, we played play dough until it was time for breakfast.
After breakfast it was time to go out. P of course was off when he realized we were going to the boring old grocery store and wasn't interested in helping me. We did have to stop by work on the way though so I told him 'when you're dressed and have your shoes on, then we can go see daddy at work' and we were ready to go in no time. My usual 'if you don't get your shoes on we can't leave' or 'P come here now, mama said to get your shoes on' has never been quite as effective as my words of choice this morning.
In the grocery store, while checking out P spotted the toy/claw machine thing. He has never actually played with one but it has toys and buttons so he is OBSESSED with them. He started to climb out of his car cart and was
asking demanding, quite loudly, that we go see it. I told him 'when mama is done with the groceries, then we will go see the toys, OK?' and do you know what he said?? 'OK!' and he sat, in his car cart, happily talking about the toy machine until I was done and told him he could get out of the cart.
Why is it working so well? I don't know. Because there is no 'no', 'can't', or 'don't' involved maybe? Because I am not TELLING him to do something, or come here, I am giving him a choice? He can either mess around and choose not to get the cat and not play, or he can do his chore and then he and mama can play. He can choose to come get dressed and go see daddy and use his umbrella (it was raining), or he can stay home and not go on an adventure. No fighting, nagging or long drawn out back and forth needed. Let's see how the rest of today goes. He woke up from his nap early, so it could go badly if the past 10 minutes are anything to go by. Off to fill that positive attention basket of his. I think it may be bottomless ;)
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